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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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4:55 am - just throw it in the bag.
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over and over again. where we stopped last is where we begin. over and over again. school. doctor. meetings. therapy. therapy. meetings. doctor. school. family. friends. the black hole of a city. new boys who claim they will take care of me and make me happy and get me an apartment and work so i don't have to. what will it take for them to realize i just can't survive without him? what will it take for me to admit to myself that i just can't survive without him? filling the void. numbing out the pain. ignoring any and all emotions. my therapist said i have to mourn heroin as though it were a lover who died...to literally go into mourning over this drug that has ruined the last five years of my life. she said the same thing about him. that i have to mourn him. take ten to sixty minutes a day and just focus on my loss. to feel the pain and cry and be sad and hurt. uhhhhmmmm, hello? in case you didn't realize that's what i've severly been trying to AVOID. i personally don't think it's all that smart or even safe for me to release five years of pent up sadness all at once. i personally don't think i would last the ten minutes i am supposed to mourn during. i personally think i'd be out the door and on the block after a good ninety seconds... but what do i know? he's probably going to be gone anywhere from a year to three years. i can't sleep. not that i ever could, but now it's particularly awful. i have nightmares and dreams that are even worse than the nightmares when i do nod off for fifteen minute intervals. the psychic that i saw told me i had six weeks left to live. she was really hesitant to tell me this information because i could have made a huge scene and gotten her banned from the place. but she said she thought i should know. that was about four weeks ago. give or take a few days. the first thing she said when i sat down was "are you on methadone or some type of opiate? your aura is extremely cloudy and i just keep getting the words drugs and opiates flying at me, very strongly." i feel empty. like a ghost. like i'm just floating around watching everything happen around me. sometimes i wonder if i already died. like that last time i overdosed, maybe the narcan didn't work and they never did revive me at the hospital. maybe i've been dead since then and i just think i'm alive. maybe i don't exist at all. maybe i never did. insomnia is a bitch. i'm moving out of this black hole called salinas on the first of december. for good. already signed the lease and gave a down payment on the other place. got a new big ass memory foam bed. found some new friends who don't suck at life. met somebody with a pi tattoo like ron's but without the flames...that was random. saw the new twilight in a theater of screaming preteen girls....but they were all screaming for jacob's nasty bitch ass. fuck that shit. team edward all the way, man. i wonder if that psychic was right... hmmmm... what would you do if you had two weeks left to live and only $1,200 to spend? i'm going to go make a 'kick the bucket' list to complete within the next fourteen days, just to be safe. better safe than sorry. peace out.
current mood:  apathetic
current music: jay sean-baby are you down down down down down? dooowwwn, dooowwwnnnn..
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| Thursday, November 5th, 2009
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2:51 pm
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i am cutting down my dissasociative idenity disorder from six personalities to three. only being three people at once isn't that hard. my therapist thinks i've made a breakthrough. lots of love. lots of productivity. lots of appointments. too many friends. too many places to be and too many things to do. it makes my head spinnnn....that among other things....heh heh heh ahh god life is good.
current mood:  stoked.
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| Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
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3:39 pm
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life is fucking good. like really fucking good. ...and that's about all i have to say. details later.oh,and fuck the haters.
current mood:  content
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| Thursday, October 29th, 2009
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1:06 pm - mine.
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i am free!
i still have a million voices in my head,
but i have a billion voices in my heart
and i know that this time they will prevail.
the last week has been interesting, to say the least.
i would get my head on straight if only it would stop spinning.
too many people, too many things, too many places. not enough dreams.
at least everything is going to be just fine.
i wonder what will happen next...
current mood:  confused
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| Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
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8:00 am
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junkie no more.
josh is gone.
checkmate's still in jail.
elbow is....doing outpatient??
and heroin is no longer the love of my life.
out innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn 0003 weeks and counting.
three months clean and sober
NOT ON A BUS TO CHOWCHILLA!
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| Friday, July 10th, 2009
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1:23 pm
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i can safely say; we had more fun than you last night. cross that, all week.
my fucking twenty first birthday is in 007 DAYS and i will be having a week long extraveganza including all expenses paid disneyland trip complete with my best friend ecstacy. and my best friend, of course. then road trip to vegas complete with pit stops to visit everybody who rules at life. (and there are very few of them left.) AND COMPLETELY FREE OF INTERNET DRAMA FROM 12 YEAR OLDS! peaceeeeeeee.
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| Monday, June 29th, 2009
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1:53 pm
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ultimate boy of the universe. hotels. sex. drugs. rock n roll. four walls. him. my journal. my music. daisy of love. and powder dope ehhh i'm only human, who gives a fuck??
happiness is homelessness. Baby that's LOVEand there aint no stopping it
I don't know as far as the eyes can see
Pick up the pace and there ain't no dropping it.
Always forever I'll be by your side
I'm your Bonnie you're my Clyde.
Cause that's the way that it's gonna be...
I'm in love wit' you and you're in love wit' me
current mood:  high
current music: akkkonnnnnn.
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| Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
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7:36 pm
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ultimate boy of the universe.
life is good.
current mood:  stoked.
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| Saturday, May 9th, 2009
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1:57 pm
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dude being in jail fucks your shit up. it teaches you not to trust anyone and not to do anything until someone tells you to. and then when you get out you're a nuerotic paranoid idiot who can't decide what fucking channel to put the tv on without somone else's input.
i feel like a fucking robot. everything i say is a mechanical response that comes out of my mouth because i think it's what i'm supposed to be saying. i'm not human anymore.
living is fucking exhausting.
sorry frankenstien. i love you.
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| Thursday, May 7th, 2009
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2:04 am - CLEAN slate.
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i just did 3 months in jail.
basically cold turkey detoxed off fentanyl heroin benzos & cocaine
STRAIGHT DOPE FUCKING SICK FOR A FUCKING MONTH.
the higher you fly the harder you fall.
.......
93 days clean.
i'm not a junkie anymore.
it's REALLY fucking cool to have a functioning brain again.
and memory!
and i never thought i'd say this, but life really is better when yr not strung out.
everybody i was friends with is either strung out and miserable, DEAD, in jail, in rehab, or on the run, waiting to become one of the aforementioned options. except josh and liz. ...it's a little disheartening to say the least.
........
i miss driving my car to the animal shelter with checkmate at 2 am singing screaming motion city soundtrack-everything is alright.
........
it really sucks that i wasted the last four years being a worthless fucking junkie, there's so much funner better more interesting things to do than hustle up a fucking meal ticket with receipt scams to score dope so you can shoot heroin and get well or if you're "lucky" pass out for a little while & forget your misery... just so you can wake up a few hours later and do it all over again, to think i could have actually been LIVING this whole time... to think living could actually be enjoyable? who knew?! but oh well, everything happens for a reason. C'est La Vie.
........
i have never been so grateful in all of my miserable little life.
shit,
i'ma tell ya.
THAT WAS THE LAST STOP ON THAT TRAIN.
current mood:  grateful
current music: wyclef jean-sweetest girl.
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| Monday, February 9th, 2009
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10:50 pm
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www.wikianswers.com just saved my life and won me $1,000!
i love the internet!!!
current mood:  excited
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2009
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10:00 am
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if i haven't already mentioned how much having your own apt rules, i am mentioning it now.
i can walk around in my underwear, stay up all nights with the lights on since there's nobody to keep up, have whoever i want over whenever i want, do whatever i want, get blown and make huge collages on the wall at 4am, fill my fridge with coca cola and chocolate silk, have a CLEAN house! finally! smoke weed in the bedroom, the living room , the kitchen, the bathroom, the hallway, the dining room, outside on the roof, and the fucking door way if i so choose. and today i'm going shopping! with the appropriate pharmaceutical aide before hand though, ...how else am i supposed to pick out an area rug and candles and posters? oh dude and bed bath and beyond has the fucking coolest shit ever right now! yayy! ok i need to stop looking at the catalog before my list is 7 feet long.
peace out lj.
current mood: excited
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| Monday, January 26th, 2009
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11:28 pm
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being productive and actually getting shit done rules. my classes are fucking awesome. it's nice to know i still have a brain, and not only do i have one, it's actually still functioning! financial aid debit cards are my new best friend. shopping is my new favorite past time. my apartment is going to look fucking dope when it all gets here. and i've finally met some people who don't just want to sit around in their pajamas all day watching tv talking about all the stuff they wanna do. but not today of course.. we'll do it tomorrow.. cause i mean the pants i were going to wear to my job interview are dirty, and doing laundry's out of the question... and it's already 2pm and i really wanna watch this episode of (such&such reality bullshit)...so yeah..tomorrow. i'm totally gonna do it though, i swear! just tomorrow..yeah, tomorrow's DEFNITELY the day.
ugh...i feel so...relieved.
b r e a t h e
i can breathe again.
god, that's nice.
current mood:  stoked/superbusy
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
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7:55 pm
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today successfully concludes this chapter of my life.
when i wake up tomorrow i will be a different person.
(well a new person.)
and everything necessary to do so came in a nice little package that was left on my doorstep.
new clothes NEW FRIENDS new things new places new life.
no more single serving (or should i say single USING) anything!
i just pressed erase and it feels sosooooo fucking good.
goodbye old life.
oh! new lj too! duh. i'll post it later.
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| Saturday, January 17th, 2009
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1:38 am - new place new friends new things new life
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tight ass apartment to myself.
new computer with internet (finally!) i love comcast.
school starts the 26th.
two words: tax refund.
been shopping like a mother fucker. money seems to come in endless supply.
0029 days until my other half comes and helps me decorate the rest of the apartment.
i'm thinking helllo kitty kitchen and andy warhol prints for my bedroom.
well i guess not thinking about i cause i already ordered everyting, my bad.
my new favorite past times is smoking weed & watching weeds. it's a very good combination.
everything is finally really good and i get my financial aid really soon so basically;
money money money
now it's all just a waiting game.
well, time for bong rips. peace out world.
current mood:  stoked.
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| Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
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12:26 pm
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realization: i can't pretend to care, anymore.
everyone/everything i was being fake to, be prepared.
bye bye responsibility.
hello selfish actions&3daybenders!
current mood: jubilant
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| Thursday, December 25th, 2008
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2:10 pm
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roommate!! if there still exists such a thing as a down ass bitch anymore, i need one for a room mate. i got a bad ass apartment upstairs [right above a bar, score!] its super pretty with hardwood floors and big windows and best of all, me. duh.
insomnia, artistic talent and/or vision, and cast iron livers a plus.
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| Monday, December 22nd, 2008
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11:51 am
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oh man...
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| Friday, December 12th, 2008
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4:29 pm - p.1, ch,1.
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multiple personalities all interlocking with different people.
interlocking circles of complex problems, emotion, and drama. each person you come in contact with spins off into their own circles until it looks like that stupid olympic trademark with the interlocking 5 rings symbolizing everything i hate in america.
interested in nothing more than himself, [name here] stared at his reflection in any and every shop window, car mirror, cell phone screens, even the gum with the silver wrappers. completely consumed and obsessed with himself, well, more the image of himself that he projected, rather than his true, real self. And although his habit was annoying, it was well understood. at least by those who were close to him. you see, now, that reflection was all he had. if the reflection looked good on the outside, it gave him the false illusion that things must have been at least OKAY on the inside. However this was not the case. He had constructed this perfect looking image, mostly consisting of jet black hair and too tight pants. he ALWAYS LOOKED HIS BEST. or rather, his SHELL always looked his best. he had become nothing but a beautiful beautiful shell.... with absolutely nothing inside. That true, real, self, i mentioned earlier? he was completely void of it. don't get me wrong, he wasn't born without one, but there are certain circumstances, certain life events, certain failures, and certainly plenty of bad decisions, that can take a fresh blood pumping artery, rip it right out of your chest, along with your morals, concious, guilt, and ambition, and slowly but surely, with each breath in and word out, it all just rots away... it all just disappears... it all just dies... it all just turns cold, hard, and black, and dies. and so you are left, a confused, and very very prettty, yet still, completely and truely EMPTY shell. This was the case, with ___. in simple terms, he was hopeless. in our terms, he was damaged. and in my terms, he was perfect.
we are all damaged, damaged goods.
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| Saturday, December 6th, 2008
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3:10 pm
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I'm knocking down some bridges finally. I'm over the pathetic high school drama. I'm over sitting up all night listening to someone breathe to make sure they don't die and not even getting a thank you the next day. no, instead they want to go do it all over again. I'm tired of people telling me all these horrible things that are wrong with their lives, (normally i wouldn't care, friends are for venting.) but when it reaches a certain point, and all they do is complain and complain about the same issues with the same boy, and i end up giving advice, or suggesting what I would do or give them an outside opinion, they just say "Oh, no, well, i just think he was mad about blahablahbalah." all i want to do is help and so when somebody tells me something is wrong and then refuses to let me help it's rediculously painful. aside from that i'm tired of the process, the missions, the hustles, the cops, the uncontrollable urge to destroy yourself and everything around you. i just can't take it anymore.
i'd like to retreat into my ribcage and sleep forever.
so that's what i'm going to do.
peace out world.
FUCKING WEIRD, DUDE...
----------------- Original Message -----------------
Dec 21, 2005 4:56 PM
RE: RE: RE: you fuck.
yuma az is almost a straight shot down i 5. if you can make it down here we can run off to mexico or jump off the grand canyon.
i want you. to come. here.
joshua giraffe
contact ..(928)314.9710(my mama house)
----------------- Original Message -----------------
homeless? homeless where? you do know i have a car. let me come find you. we can be crazy together. just start walking towards santa cruz and i'll start driving towards arizona ... (if thats even where you are...)
you still owe me a cd.
but you could top this with a visit.
i hope youre doing ok.
lovelovelove.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: KEEP IT 'POSI-'
Date: Dec 18, 2005 12:54 PM
babydoll
homeless
crazy
miss you
no modem in gutter
come here
over
joxoxosh
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