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And this one goes out to that lovely girl who has trouble sleeping at night...

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Tuesday, May 31st, 2016
6:24 pm - this guy is so mean
he's calling me a piece of shit and my mom a fucking cunt
R.E.B OR B.D.
Comments: Cut me deep.
Friday, September 4th, 2015
6:16 pm - day fourteen?
if you can't do it for you, and you can't do it for me, and you can't do it for him, and you can't do it for yourself... then do it for the love of the drugs. if drugs is the only thing you love in this entire world, then do it for them. Quit drugs for the drugs. you might be hurting their feelings by eating mass quantities of them all the time, you never know.
poor little drugs, they need a break too, you know.

current mood: sober
Comments: Cut me deep.
Thursday, June 11th, 2015
12:29 pm - creativity
where did you go?
blank.
b
l
a
n
k
.
i wonder
if
i
finally
melted my brain
into the
o b l i v i o n
i was SO
desperately
craving,
for
all
the
w
r
o
n
g
reasons.


i have somehow acquired what i set out to get. but i lost almost everything in the process, and now it is time to start anew. ....but it still blows my mind that they don't all think like i do... or maybe it doesn't blow my mind. maybe it's because others have distractions. i've got nothing to do but sit here and be nostalgic. it's like winning the lotto but already buying everything in the ikea catalog.

take back everything you said, you never meant a word of it.

i'm apathetically considering something that's only requirement is apathy.
but i still shouldn't do it.
and i won't.

I may be that numb, but is that something to be flaunting? I think not.

renting a room isn't much different than being in jail. I mean you live in a 12x12 or whatever it is....share bathrooms showers kitchens living quaters etc. that's kinda weird.
but then at the same time it's like i have an apt and all the good stuff is in the bedroom so i don't even kick it in the living room very often. well, that and I have yet to finish unpacking.

cuz everythings up in the air.
cuz everything is always up in the air in my life it is never normal never mundane never routine never not chaotic.
i find comfort in chaos, for some reason.
oh i remember why.
cuz i grew up in the middle of it.
chaos up the ass, chaos.
fuck chaos.
but at least it's not boring.

i wonder what you're doing right now...

YOU are the first person who's never even been slightly interested in reading any of my journal entries, looking at my art, or reading anything i've written, for that matter.
what does that say about you?

i tried. i am done. i am tired.
i'm going to have to go to
creativity class.
cuz.
all.
mine.
melted.
away.
into.
the.
blankness..........

current mood: apathetic
Comments: 3 Scars - Cut me deep.
Thursday, June 4th, 2015
12:45 pm - hanging by a torn thread.
I am lost.


But I am not alone....



eleven years going strong. going crazy. going strong.

current mood: crazy
Comments: Cut me deep.
Friday, March 14th, 2014
1:25 pm - devo......tion.
oh, lj. i fucking got lost trying to save someone else, once again. i would die for you and drink your blood and carry your corpse for miles or follow you to the end of the earth or kill for you or clean for you or have your kid or kidnap a kid for you or bone you daily or anything. i would do fucking anything. undying devotion is a very dangerous thing to have floating around in my brain...

a couple weeks ago i fell down a flight of stairs. last night i jumped out of a moving vehicle.
supposedly supposedly supposedly.
supposedly i am a sugar glider.


nobody knows, the trouble i've seen.
...nobody knows, the pain..

current mood: lost.
Comments: Cut me deep.
Saturday, March 8th, 2014
10:59 pm - bad daddy
....so i guess, all together, it's happened now 3 or 4 times, including the tackling on the wharf. whatever. it's obvious where this is going. cycles are cycles are cycles an addict is an addict is an addict. people don't change, really, they just adapt, find new ways of hiding their shame, so to speak. today i ate a really awesome breakfast sandwich and pesto margarita pizza. it was pretty bomb. i am in love, but he is moving away in two days. my heart is broken, as i have to return to reside in hell, where i previously escaped near death and uncertain future. life was much better, even with the drama. although i know this step is necessary if i want everything to actually turn into something. we have to be apart to be to gether. i have to re-focus myself on myself. anyway......life can be awesome sometimes.

current mood: full
Comments: Cut me deep.
Tuesday, February 18th, 2014
9:52 am - domestic violence and straight to voicemail.
good morning, lj. how are you? no doubtedly doing much better than i. unfortunately for me this must be documented so that i do not "get drunk and forget" a.k.a.....live in pure denial. Russel was right, it was just a matter of time before the mental, verbal, and emotional abuse turned into physical. really didn't take long either, i mean wow. what was it? it's been maybe 2 months all together so if it's happening this fast it's really not looking good for me. i mean i at least thought it would take a little longer, damn. and the main thing for me is, he wasn't even drunk. that's truly what sealed the fuckin deal for me. it would have been MUUUUUUCCCHHHH fucking different if he was drunk. i mean damn. at least i'm fucking drunk when i fuck up. but no, he came here completely fucking sober, i opened the door, and he fucking SHOVED MY ASS BACKWARDS into the chair and i went flying. then he proceeded to scream at me, and steal my fucking EBT card! can you believe that?!?!?!? my fucking ebt card. like wow dude that's pretty low. he said that I OWE HIM. i owe you??? then, please tell me, WHY THE FUCK AM I SUCKING YOUR DICK DAILY???? i would love to know. yeah i know it's partly my fault because of my fucking oral fixation, but damn dude... you are pretty fucking convincing. manipulative fuck. anyway. i woke up to a cat meowing in my face, with one shoe, no cell phone, on the floor, at my moms super confused. thank fucking god for chris and russel, seriously. they have done an excellent job of distracting me and i am so greatful for that. i just want to be happy and i don't think i will ever be happy with raf because raf will never change. fuck alcohol tastes disgusting in the morning, i hate that. i think i really am done this time. even my dad told me hes not going to change, and my dad is a good judge of character... in that department, at least.besides, the skin on my hands is literally PEELING OFFFFFFF from doing so many dishes. i hate muscling. total W-A-S-T-E. anyway. i need to be done with this dude. i have to stop going back.

current mood: sad as fuck.
Comments: Cut me deep.
Sunday, February 16th, 2014
8:02 pm - daddy is snoring
i'm going out to be a criminal. i hope i come back in complete form. my stupid "boyfriend" ......today he told me that he is still in love with her, he doesn't love me, he'll never love me, and he wants to leave me for her. but then in the same breath he says he loves me......and........i dont know WHAT THE FUCK TO DO, DUDE.. fuck.
i just want to be happy.
...i thought this guy would make me happy, but all he does is make me feel MORE disgusting if i have no make up on.. liks..."what a trashy bitch"

he says he's not concerned but he is.............................he totally is.

current mood: naughty
Comments: Cut me deep.
Tuesday, February 4th, 2014
5:25 am - wow.
wow! man, livejournal, let me tell you life in a relationship is fantastic!! haha. fights are gay.
can i get the porn star sex and still be numb? because real life fucking sucks. unemployment ebt taxes stress work job checks mail boring blah blah blah.
i mean. i want it. yes. i do. i reallyreally do. but fuck man.. chomp. salvation army. something that understands. fuck my life though. i'm already strung out on him.
Comments: Cut me deep.
12:28 am
oh yeah. I missed OUT....
Comments: Cut me deep.
Monday, February 3rd, 2014
5:23 pm
i am lost. today i walked from seaside to monterey and i think it's only because my brain was subconsciously going on a little trip down memory lane, walking past all these places i'd used. then, i lost my phone on the bus for the second time in a week? even sober my life unravells. i also went to nu art. that was interesting. i decided i should get more familiar with the perversion my life will no doubt have if i continue to stay in my current marital situation. it was not the toys or the porn or the handcuffs or strap ons or pet pussies that disturbed me....actually disturbed is not the correct word. perhaps saddened.... and that was only because of the people there. i'll be back alter doing my taxes
Comments: Cut me deep.
Friday, January 3rd, 2014
7:03 pm - damnnnnnn baby
I've been looking under rocks and breaking locks
Just tryna find ya
I've been like a maniac insomniac,
Five steps behind ya
Tell them other girls, they can hit the exit
Check please...
Cause I finally found the girl of my dreams
Much more than a Grammy award,
That's how much you mean to me

[Chorus:]
You could be my it girl
Baby you're the shit girl
Lovin' you could be a crime
Crazy how we fit girl,
This is it girl
Give me 25 to life
I just wanna rock all night long,
And put you in the middle of my spotlight
You could be my it girl
You're my biggest hit girl

Let me play it loud
Let me play it loud like...
Oh oh oh oh [x2]
Let me play it loud
Let me play it loud like...
Oh oh oh oh [x2]
Let me play it loud

You can't help but turn them heads
Knockin' them dead
Dropping like flies around you
If I get your body close not letting go
Hoping you're about to
Tell them other guys they can lose your number
You're done!
They don't get another shot cause you're love drunk!
Like a TV show playing re-runs
Every chance I get,
I'm a turn you on

[Chorus:]
You could be my it girl
Baby you're the shit girl
Lovin' you could be a crime
Crazy how we fit girl
This is it girl
Give me 25 to life
I just wanna rock all night long
And put you in the middle of my spotlight
You could be my it girl
You're my biggest hit girl

Let me play it loud
Let me play it loud like...
Oh oh oh oh [x2]
Let me play it loud
Let me play it loud like...
Oh oh oh oh [x2]
Let me play it loud

[Bridge:]
Can't seem to stop you from running, running
Through my, through my mind, mind
Just keep it coming, coming
'Til I make you mine, mine
You've got that something, something
I wanna be with girl (wanna be with girl)
You're my greatest hit girl (greatest hit girl)
Just say this is it girl...

Hey baby...
Don't you know you're my it girl

[Chorus:]
You could be my it girl
Baby you're the shit girl
Lovin' you could be a crime
Crazy how we fit girl
This is it girl,
Give me 25 to life
I just wanna rock all night long
And put you in the middle of my spotlight
You could be my it girl
You're my biggest hit girl

Let me play it loud
Let me play it loud like...
Oh oh oh oh [x2]
Let me play it loud
Let me play it loud like...
Oh oh oh oh [x2]
Let me play it loud

Let me hear you singing like...
Oh oh oh oh [x2]
Everybody in the crowd
Let me hear you singing like
This is it girl.

current mood: happy
Comments: Cut me deep.
Monday, December 30th, 2013
11:04 am - I knew my brain was capable.
Incubus and Sucubus are technically the same entity, although some may develop sexual preferences in their feeding habits. An incubus entity is technically demonic, but at the lowest end of the scale. In my experience they have more animalistic intelligence, but they are of course quite powerful in their way.

Incubus type entities usually attack quickly and strongly, and their victims are usually but not always asleep. Their method of attack seems to depend on the experience of the incubus, and on the weaknesses of the victim. Sometimes they will attack while a person is asleep, sometimes when they are awake but relaxed. With the first type of attack, incubus latch onto the genital energy centre directly and cause a powerful forced type of orgasm very quickly.

Some incubus, the more powerful versions, are like free roaming opportunistic sexual predators, taking what they need when they feel like it. But some will form attachments and even 'relationships' with humans.

The basic symptoms of an incubus attack vary a bit, and are different for male and female victims, but are much like astral sex. For females, they generally involve an intense, sudden and deep penetration of the whole genital area, up into the stomach.

For males especially, an intense, deep sucking sensation is often felt. But the above types of attack can be experienced by either sex. Either type results in sudden, urgent need for sexual release. This usually happens quicker with female victims. Efforts to fight this will usually result in various levels of paralysis.

This type of paralysis feels like all the energy has been sucked from your body and you don't have the energy to move, and your body feels very heavy and weak. During most incubus attacks, male and female victims will also feel a heavy weight on their chests, as if a heavy person were sitting on them, and they will have difficulty breathing.

Some people will form relationships with incubus and become addicted to them. When this happens, they actually call the incubus to them whenever they want sex. Incubus caused orgasm is more powerful than the normal human version, so its understandable how addiction occurs. With a relationship, the incubus will usually create a very solid form indeed, often with a beautiful face that can be seen. In this case, the willing victim will often be fully awake during encounters.

The above is quite common and has been known about for many hundreds of years. Such incubus are often called 'Demon Lovers'. I have known a number of people to have such relationships.

Although I have never seen this result in death, it is said that incubus addiction can cause illness and eventually death. Most people I have known with this kind of 'relationship' problem have had severe health problems that seem to come with it, and these get progressively worse if the relationship continues.

current mood: bouncy
Comments: Cut me deep.
12:07 am - the naked and famous - young blood
rafi...





"Young Blood"

We're only young and naive still
We require certain skills
The mood it changes like the wind
Hard to control when it begins

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Can't help myself but count the flaws
Claw my way out through these walls
One temporary escape
Feel it start to permeate

We lie beneath the stars at night
Our hands gripping each other tight
You keep my secrets hope to die
Promises, swear them to the sky

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

current mood: mad as fuck
Comments: Cut me deep.
Sunday, December 29th, 2013
11:24 am
if i knew what to say i don't think i'd be writing this right now.
umm, so. got super sick, couldnt stop puking, threw up like 50 times, went to chomp, got sent home with fenergan shot and morphine shot. everything was fine after i got home until i fuckin ate meat and then i puked again the pain came back and i fuckin couldnt handle it i had to go meet ron....then came home, immediately felt better, i dont know what the fuck if it's an ulcer or what but the fuckin pain killers help the only problem is i cant swallow anything and keep it down by that point thats why i require the fuckin iv version of it but nobody is going to believe that so it's like i feel doomed forever. then we got in a fuckin fight cuz three is too many and a thousand is never enough on his part...so it's like fuck dude the addictions are already taking over and i don't know how i can survive not drinking now i knew i shouldnt have started out that hard but it just kinda happened and i didnt' think it was a big deal ummm so i'm finally feeling normal i just hope the pain doesnt come back after the b wears off. cuz then it all starts again and it's either back to chomp or fuckin ruining my life. so my health is really pissing me off cuz i can't fix it and i fucked myself cuz now after my hospital stay nobody wants me drinking. but whatever i have the fuckin d.u.i. so i need to chill out. he literally never stops talking though and it drives me pretty crazy cuz sometimes you just need to listen. then he called me a degenerate, because i steal, anti social behavior (what society doesnt consider normal), and cuz i'm a drug addict. i'm so confused dude i have entered into a different reality here man for sure and i'm trying to do it all sober and deal with a crazy person? i have to save my life though. & i'm in love..... with the good half.

current mood: confused
Comments: Cut me deep.
Saturday, December 28th, 2013
4:42 pm - 3 blocks from hell.
i walk alone. on the strangest road. i've got love in my veins now and i don't wanna let it go. madly in love but it's never to be shown. i was called to fix a situation, but now his heart is my home. i couldn't explain it if you paid me. the souls have intertwined. add that with a touch of destiny and everything else gets left behind. and not on purpose, just cuz we have addictive minds. i don't want to hurt anybody, in fact quite the opposite. but i'm finally happy and i don't want to quit. and he's finally happy and he'll fight for it. what's so terrible about that? why must it cause a scene? just because everyone is in love, and happy, and the fuckin house is clean? this could be a dream situation, if we'd all just open our eyes. fuck man, i can't help it if i feel butterflies. it's all good on paper, it's so great in theory. there's just one piece left to the puzzle but it's eyes are too weary. too weary to notice, too weary to care, too bleary to understand selfishness lives there.


suck it up and be happy for me.

current mood: confused
Comments: Cut me deep.
Saturday, December 14th, 2013
11:41 am - from bad to better to worse.
well, as usual... things were amazing for a short period of time. the world was all bright and sunny... and now there is no fucking light to be seen anywhere. god damn it dude. i hate this feeling because it doesn't have a name. i just know it wont stop screaming. my soul is fucking screaming for help, but his words are coming out backwards and i don't know what the fuck to do. LOST. what the fuck do i do? where do i go? who do i go with? why are you all fighting OVER ME?!?!? I'M A FUCKING HUMAN DUDE I CAN HAVE TWO FRIENDS. I'm a big kid now, i don't fuckin need your help. but the fact that you threaten her every single time we get into a tiny argument is not exactly a good thing. just makes me trust you less. cuz if you'll do that to HER and she's your daughter, what are you gonna do to me? he wouldnt be doing all this shit if he wasn't fucked up dude....he seems so fuckin great on the surface but everybody's like DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT! and i'm just like....fuck, why not? he seems nice, wants to help, etc...but i just now remembered that satan will appear as whatever you want him to be to lure you in... and i'm pretty sure that's what's happening.

current mood: depressed
Comments: Cut me deep.
Monday, December 9th, 2013
8:32 pm
you had to have known
Comments: Cut me deep.
7:14 pm
white wine and dish soap, bitches.

current mood: HAPPY
Comments: Cut me deep.
Sunday, December 8th, 2013
12:18 pm - me and raf are making a shirt that says "i'm with her cuz she's rich"
you want a bitch? i'm the fuckin one you call mother fucker.
omfg i'm actually happy its so weird.

jessi what were you thinking?????

you had to have known dude, you had to have known.

hi, we gotta go. daddy i'm here save me, i'm sorry i wont go there anymore.


no more fuckin dope, no more fckin crack all i do is smoke buddddd and drink white wine.
&life has neverrrrr been better.
suck it bitchez!


"required quote: old man saved me and my wifes life so suck it bitches of course i'm going to help them."
Comments: Cut me deep.
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